


the best fan fiction ever, man

by sakagucci



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Parody, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-07 00:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1113523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakagucci/pseuds/sakagucci
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>probably the worst fan fiction you've ever read. just little scenes really. no major story here. it's a good laugh, at least.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Part

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy.

This story is about to begin in the most cliche way possible.

once upon a time, there were five boys in a boyband from Europe. Their names were Edward, Matthew, Darren, Henry, and Ahmed.

Just kidding, that’s not what their names were.

One day, the boys were at this mall in California signing albums and this girl in a sparkly golden hijab and her mother came through with albums. Harry, Louis, Niall, Liam, and Zayn sat (in that order) behind a table where fans lined up beside to get signatures and talk for five seconds and take blurry videos to post in the interwebs.

“Harry, the mum must be here for you,” Louis said, nudging his friend.

“Oh hell, shut the fuck up, Louis.” Harry responded calmly.

“Jesus, Harry you’re usually nice.”

“Not today Lewis!!!1!!1!”

The daughter came through to get her album signed. “Hi, Harry.”

“Hi.” Harry responded, as he sloppily signed the girl’s copy of his album.

Louis signed. Niall signed.

“Wait, Niall, we should go to nandos, haha,” the girl said to Niall.

“Ok,” Niall said. Niall looked at Louis.

Louis smirked.

Louis you’re hot.

The girl moved in front of Liam to have her album signed.

“Oh lawd ain’t no space fo me,” Liam said, looking at the album.

“Liam, turn it over, it’s not that difficult.” Zayn said.

“Oh yea, hey leave me alone.” Liam said.

“Okie dokie,” Zayn said.

“Oh my goodness gracious wow, Ziam.” the girl said.

Ziam ignored her.

“OKKK, time for Zayn to sign my album.”

The girl slid her album towards Zayn.

Zayn shook around his sparkly silver marker pen that smelled like chemicals and death and then signed the girl’s album.

“thanks so much Zayn, Liam.. all of you.” the girl said. “bless you.”

“I didn’t sneeze.” Zayn said.

The girl stepped out of line, and her mother went to get Zayn to sign her album.

“You like the Direction?” Niall asked from down the line.

“No, your music sucks.” mum said.

She was there for Harry.

“Oh gee, you’re a doll.” Zayn said, as he signed her album.

“Gracias, Zayn. Wow, I feel so sophisticated speaking to a Mexican in their native language.”

“ok, have a nice day.” Zayn said.

“Adios!” 

They left. The boys kept signing albums.

UNTIL THE NEXT DAY!!

 

Niall woke up the next morning in his hotel room with Zayn in LA.

Zayn was still sleeping when Niall awoke. He knew Zayn didn’t like sharing his cereal so Niall crept around the little kitchen for a bowl to eat some cereal. He dropped his spoon on the floor. _clank._

FUCKIN HELL.

“Niall?” Zayn said in a groggy voice.

“Zayn, do you want some oatmeal?”  
“No,” Zayn said. “I fucking hate oatmeal, unless it has olives and raisins in it.”

“Ok bae.” Niall said. He poured cereal anyway. fuck it, no ragrets today, Niall thought.

Niall sat down on his bed and ate cereal and tweeted. _“In my hotel room zayn is still sleeping. don’t make any gay assumptions bye x best fans in da wrld I swear!”_

“Niall.” Zayn said, into his pillow.

“What, bitch?” Niall said.

Niall looked at Zayn, and Zayn was lookin cute as hell sweat pants hair tied chillin wit no makeup on in his bed. like, hell perrie betta get dat ass now or I will damn.

“You’re eating my cereal,” Zayn said.

“Nigga I bought this,” Niall said.

“Ah, hell.”

Niall kept eating. well damn.

“Want me to make you some breakfast?” Niall asked. “I have turkey bacon.”

“No that shit’s nasty.” Zayn said.

“Oh yea.”

“We should call Louis over and get high as fuck before we go to the airport and get even higher.” Zayn said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

“Shutthehellup.”

“OH gee, you’re not funny either bro. The other day you were like; ‘ay zayn are you from pakistan because pakiSTAAANNN.”

Niall is very clever.

“Call Louis,” Niall said.

“Ok,”

Zayn called Louis on his phone and Louis showed up fast as hell. He was wearing cookie monster pajama pants and a gray sweatshirt and a gray beanie and he looked hot as hades.

“Have a nice morning?” Zayn asked.

“Yes, I was just tweeting a picture of Harry in his bed to make them think some Larry butt sex shit crap is happening.” Louis said proudly.

“What was da caption?” Niall asked.

“Larry butt sex is happening.” Louis said.

Neither of the boys said anything.

“That’s not as ambiguous as I would have hoped, but whatevs bebz.” Zayn said.

Did you mean _**bitch what??!?!!**_

“Ok, Niall you’re rolling.” Zayn leaned over his bed into the side drawer and got his special wooden box filled with mary wana.

“How much tree you got.”

“A lot.”

“Ah, hell.”

“I don’t know how to roll.” Niall said.

“Damn you,” Zayn said.

“I have a bowl, you vaginas.”

“Yayyyyyy!!” Niall and Zayn exclaimed.

Louis sat down next to Niall on his bed and Niall’s toes tingled. Louis is so hot damn.

Louis pulled a sparkly pretty green and blue swirly bowl out of his pocket and his pink ass lighter. “Let’s get this bitch going. Gimme the damn tree.” Louis said.

Zayn gave him the damn tree and they smoked for like not that long because Zayn didn’t want to smoke all the weed.

“OH damn,” stoned ass Niall said.

“Wat?” Louis said. He was lying on Niall’s bed, texting Liam.

“Zayn, how’d you get that weed through the airport?” Niall asked.

“I didn’t,” Zayn said. Zayn was sitting up in his bed with his legs crossed like Siddhartha Gautama. “I bought it here, in Calif, from some sexy ass fan.”

Louis laughed.

“When we were getting mobbed as we entered the hotel last night, remember when I helped  a fan pick something up and kissed her?” Zayn asked.

“Yea,”  Niall said, thirsty as hell for information. “Perrie is gonna beat that ass hard.”

“Yea, I like when she beats my ass.” Zayn said. “Well anyway, the fan, she was sexy as FUCK I’m pretty sure she was Rihanna’s twin and Harry is still jells that I got to talk to her. Anyway, the girl was like ‘I’ll give you my weed if you give me a kiss on the lips, daddy.”

So Rihanna’s twin pretended to drop something and I did a Harry Styles and helped her pick it up, and she slipped some weed into my shoe, and when we stood up I kissed her on her mouth and then went inside.”

“THAT IS SO rad.” Louis said.

“Louis shut up your voice is so fuckin loud.”

“Your hair is so fuckin loud. Be a brunette again.”

“Get the fuck out my hotel room.”

“LOL I love the banter, boys. Friends 4 life.” Zayn said happily. He was stoned like a Stone.

There was a knock on the door.

Niall jumped up and opened it. Harry and Liam were there. Harry was in some tight ass jeans and a gray sweater and Liam was wearing flannel and sweatpants and they were both cute as hell.

“Get in here!” Niall said.

“I was going to get some alcohols but I heard there was weed.” Harry said.

“Fake ass bitch, you don’t smoke.” Liam said.

“I know,” Harry said. “I bought…”

Harry pulled something black and shiny out from behind his back. “BEYONCE!”

“Ah hell, pop dat bitch in,” Zayn said.

Harry popped it in.

;)

Liam almost pissed his pants when the music started. Harry sat on the bed with Niall and Louis and Liam sat on Zayn’s bed.

“This is all so sleepy,” Liam said.

“That’s because Zayn doesn’t like turkey bacon.” Niall said.

“Make your damn turkey bacon, I don’t give a damn,” Zayn said.

Niall made some turkey bacon and Harry followed him into the kitchen. Niall stood in front of the stove with magical bird bacon sizzling on this black pan.

“Let’s do gay things and get Louis to take a picture and hurt people’s feelings.” Harry said.

“No thanks,” Niall said.

“Damn you,” Harry said in a pouty voice that was sexy.

“I still wanna do gay shit, just I don’t want Louis to take a picture.”

“Ok,” Harry said.

He put his hands on Niall’s waist from behind just above his hips. Niall flinched.

“Calm down,” Harry said.

“But you’re Harry Styles.” Niall said.

“And you’re Niall Horan, damnit.”

“Oh geez, you’re right.”

“I like touching you but I want to frick and frack with women because boobs, I mean hey.” Harry said, with his chin on Niall’s shoulder.

Niall felt Harry’s ice cold breath on his neck. He was probably chewing some icy ass gum.

smack smack

the gum.  ( >_< )

“That’s dumb as shit, Harold.” Niall sighed.

“I fucking know, Niallrold.” Harry said in his deep ass grumbly voice.

Louis walked into the kitchen. NOW IT WAS A FUCKEN PARTY OK.

“Oooh gurla,” Louis said.

Harry leaned forward against Niall’s squidgy bum. BAM. homosexual contact.

“We’re not allowed to smoke in hotel rooms,” Louis said.

Harry looked at Louis. Louis’ eyes were red as fuck and his cheeks were also red as fuck and Harry wondered why.

“What’s wrong, Lewis?” Harry asked. “Does this turn you on?”

Louis slit his eyes.

“I need a damn cigarette.” Louis said. “Harry, please come with me downstairs to get a damn pack of cigarettes, Liam and Zayn want to listen to Beyonce and I don’t like going alone it’s boring.”

“What if people take pics and are like hashtag Larry lol my feels??” Harry asked.

“Who the fuck cares, I want some damn cigarettes I’m high and hungry and I want some damn cigarettes.” Louis said. He looked sexy and frustrated with his furrowed cute ass brow and his cute ass gray beanie.

“You always the fuck cares,” Niall muttered. Only Harry could hear. He chuckled into Niall’s neck, which gave Niall a case of the fruity goosebumps.

“Ah hell,” Harry said. “Sure, I’ll come with you.”

Harry grabbed Niall’s butt and followed Louis out of the hotel room.

Louis and Harry could hear Niall’s sexually frustrated cries from all the way down the hall.

“Shit, I probably reik of that dank ass weed Zayn got.” Louis said.

Harry, being a genie, pulled out a bottle of smell good and sprayed it all over Louis. They enjoyed the tortured coughs of the woman who got in the elevator with them and by the time they got off of the elevator their faces were beet red from holding in laughter.

They bought some cigarettes from the counter and the girl that worked there was so sexy she looked like an elf princess girl. She had long curly brown hair and big pretty eyes and pretty pink lips and round cheeks that you would want to kiss or make turn pink or touch.

“Oh em gee Eleanor??” Louis said.

“Louis you fucker, how did you not notice me?”

“I’m blind, jesus,”

“Ok, I understand now.”

Louis’ penis was blushing like whattt and Harry was staring at it.

“Threesome?” Louis sugguested.

“What in satan’s name?” Eleanor said.

“JUst kidding Eleanonor”

“Oh,” she looked disappointed as hell.

“brb we’re going upstairs to have man fun,” Louis said.

“ok tootles,” Eleanor said.

“k,” Harry said.

 _Lord please gimme dat ass_ , Eleanor thought.

 

“We got some damn cigarettes!” Louis exclaimed when he and Harry returned to Niall and Zayn’s hotel room.

“Oh, good for you,” Zayn said. “Niall is going to smoke some more of that good shit with me, who wants to join? We have to get rid of this before we leave for England.”

No one wanted to join. Harry wanted to eat Niall’s tension filled turkey bacon and Liam wanted to as well and Louis wanted to smoke a damn cigarette and eat some cereal.

“Let’s be cool about it,” Zayn said.

They went into the bathroom which was retro and it had a yellow lighting.

Zayn pushed the shower curtains back and sat on the edge of the tub and Niall sat on the toilet seat until he realized that it slid around so he sat inside the shower. It wasn’t wet, but Niall was. Ha, just kidding.

Zayn was using Louis’ bowl again and he filled it up with beautiful green and lit it and inhaled and woohoo. He passed the bowl to Niall. Soon the bathroom was smoky and Niall looked extra pretty. His lips were all pink and his eyes were all blue.

Zayn handed Niall the bowl and Sat on the other side of the tub and put his knees to his chest.

“You’re so cute in the smokiness.” Zayn said.

“I’m always cute.” Niall said.

“Ya, bebz.” Zayn took his turn.

They were silent for a bit.

“Let’s do some Larry shit in this tub,”

Niall had been holding in his last turn for awhile and when Zayn spoke he coughed it out. The smoke jumped out of his mouth sloppily.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun,” Zayn said.

“You horny ass son of a bitch,”

Zayn reached over and set the bowl in Niall’s hands on the toilet and leaned towards Niall’s face. Niall stood up up in the tub and Zayn stood up right with him.

“Zayn, jeez,”

“Niall, jeez,” Zayn mimicked. “It’s gay enough we got in the tub together.”

“Well it isn’t filled with water and bubble bath.” Niall said.

Zayn cupped Niall’s cheek sweetly and brushed his chin lightly with his thumb.

“Fuck off,” Niall said. He started to smile.  
“YOU WANT the D,” Zayn said. “Just like in the stories those 14 year old girls write.”

Someone banged on the door. CHRIST’S SAKE.

“Ohmigawd I have ta pee,” Harry yelled.

“Bitch, wait,” Niall said.

Zayn could hear the restraint in Niall’s voice.

“Kiss me quickly, like behind the honeysuckles at recess quickly.” Zayn said.

Niall pecked Zayn on the corner of his mouth, but Zayn wouldn’t let that bitch get away with that so he held his shoulders to the wall and kissed him properly. Niall turned his head in the midst of the kiss, and Zayn slid away.

“Ok, dammit, don’t listen to your dick, then.” Zayn said.

“Yea, maybe follow my lead and don’t listen to your dick either?” Niall said.

“Ah, hell.”

When the two boys left the bathroom Harry made a smug face.

 _Every1 wants a piece of the Nialler tonite_ , Niall thought. _What's the fuckin craic?_

BUT THAT’S NOT THE END. 


	2. chapter two ugh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well this one was kind of crap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This looks better on mobile.

__The Direction were trying to sneak out to the corner store because Zayn was like 'eh let's make some cookies' but then he remembered he was famous, so they had to sneak but ELEANOR SAW THEM.

"Lewis where ya goin?" she asked, looking cute as shit.

All the boys stopped walking.

"Oh gee, El, shut it." Niall said.

"Niall fuckidy fuck off. Eleanornor we're going to sneak out but man is that hard when you're us in the middle of a big city." Louis explained.

"Eleanor why are you working at this hotel?" Harry asked. "Aren't you a fireman?"

"No, that's Liam. I missed my man friend so I was like I'll just follow you guys. And I got here and was like man i need a job so i drugged the lady who used to work the counter and put on her outfit." Eleanor said.

Crazy ass.

Liam smiled. "Hey El, you should go get us some cookie mix and stuff so we can out weed in them and yum."

"wow say that louder Liam I can't hear you," Louis said.

Sassy ass.

Liam made a duck face with his pink little lips. Mmmm liam rock me rock me rock me yeh.

"Liam, you're hot." Zayn said.

"Thanks," Perrie said.

!!!!!!!!

Just kidding

Liam just smiled.

"Ya know what, i have cookie mix and stuff for when I feel like crying and watching netflix in my hotel room." Eleanor said.

"YES PRAISE DA LORD," Niall said.

"I still don't know what's going on with you, El. How or why or when..." Harry mused.

"Sssh." El put a cute finger to her cute lips. "Just follow me if you want some marry wanna cookies."

They snuck off. doo doo doo doo doo (sneakin off music)

They got to Eleanor's room. She unlocked it and turned around and looked at the boys.

"I had a dream like this once." she whispered.

"Wat," Louis said.

"Nuthin." Eleanor said.

"Let's bake some cookies bae," Louis said.

"Ok." Eleanor said. She went into the kitchen. Louis followed her. What a nice butt.

"Wow Liam when are you gonna start calling me bae?" Zayn asked.

"When you stop being horny as hell." Liam said.

"You could fix that," Zayn said.

"You're high." Niall said. His face was all green with jealousy. Not a good look, Niall.

"Come help us with these damn cookies," Louis called.

Liam went in the kitchen. Zayn followed him.  

"Wanna help?" Harry asked. He looked at Niall. Niall was short.

"No," Niall pouted. He sat on the edge of Eleanor's bed.

"You jelly?" Harry asked earnestly.

"Hells yea. One second Zayn is like ooh Niall you're cute. Then he's like ooh Liam is bae." Niall said.

"So what? I'm still hot." Harry said.

Niall just looked at Harry. Damn, girl your eyes are pretty as hell.

"Wanna kiss?" Niall asked.

"Yea, sure." Harry said with a shrug. He moved in towards Niall's face and BAM.

"Haaaaarrrryyy!" Louis called from the kitchen.

A little voice inside Harry's head screamed.

"FUUUHHHHHUHCJJ JCKKCCK!" It said.

Karma. Niall smiled.

"Yes, Louis?" Harry replied.

"Nevermind." Louis said.

bitch ass face ass neck ass

"So," Harry said, looking at Niall. "Where were we?"

"What about boobs?" Niall asked.

"There is time for boobs and there is time for that Larry Stylinson type shit." Harry said.

"Well, this isn't a fan fiction." Niall said.

Like hell it isn't.

"Why does everyone want me?" Niall asked.

"You ass," Harry said.

"No, shut up." Niall said. "I'm serious. First you, then Zayn, then you."

"That's two people." Harry said flatly.

"Shut. THEFUCKUP." Niall said.

"Fight mee,"

Niall tried to attack Harry's face but then harry was likd nah bissh and he moved away but niall hit him and harry hit him back and niall pushed him off the bed and BAM big ass white kid hit the ground. then niall pinned harry to the ground and harry made a smug face and was all like:

"Fuck me,"

But of course Harry didn't really say that because Niall wanted him to because Niall wanted everyone as much as everyone wanted him.

"This sexual tension never existed before today. What's going on. We're friends. We can't do this. We can't do this. It'll be totes awks. When we're old nd wrinkly like u wanna get we'll have chilluns and ladies and you'll see me and be like oh yea we kissed and touched and we're friends and I can never forget it happened." Niall said.

Somehow, Harry, as tall and huge he is, rolled out from underneath Niall and sat up on the ground. "Okayyyy. I feels you."

"You only wanna make out with Zayn. I get it. I'll still squish your butt though." Harry said.

"Yusss." Niall said. "Bless ya."

 

Then like 7 million hours later Zayn and Liam were sitting on the floor watching The Avengers on Eleanor’s tele and BEEP BEEP

the damn cookies were done.

“OH yesssss,” Liam said.

“Liam, bae, you’re so fat.” Zayn said playfully.

“Not as fat as you.” Liam muttered

“No enthusiasm in your damn voice, Liam James.” Zayn pouted.

“Ok, Zayn Beyonce,” Liam replied flatly.

“Lllliam vas sappnin?” Zayn asked.

“IM JUST TIRED AND HUNGRY AND HORNY LEAVE ME ALONE BAE,” Liam said.

Zayn looked confused and bitchy and his pretty face was all flushed and ugh.

Then Liam James got up angrily and went out on Eleanor’s balcony. Niall saw Liam and his nice ass jaw neck with nice ass moles. Niall watched him pull a pack of Camels out of his pocket and light one up and smoke it away.

smoke da hormones away liam. smoke em away. Niall James thought.

Then Eleanor came out of the kitchen and Louis came out with her (lol) with a plate of joy.

“I’m a lesbian,” Eleanor said. “I wanna bang the author of this fan fic.”

ha ha just kidding.

“Hey look guys look at me,” Eleanor actually said. “I have treats.”

“oh damn, cookie gurl,” Zayn said, getting up off of his skinny ass.

“YAAAAS,” Harry exclaimed.

The boys all went over to Eleanor to get a damn cookie.

“WAI-” She began to shriek, until Louis covered her mouth.

Eleanor scrunched up her eyebrows into a pile of eye hair.

“Oh gee, sorry.” Eleanor said behind Louis’ hand. She put the cookies on this table.

“Let’s say grace, ok guys,” Harry said.

“It’s not even like a meal or anything, Harold,” Louis said.

“Ssssh,” Harry said to Louis, holding up a fine ass ringed finger. “we has to say grace.”

“wutevs, Harryyyyy.” Lewis said.

“Derr God, ily man thanks for lettin me be like ay boys I have cookies cuz now I have my boymanfriend and four fineass niggas in my apartment god bless. amen. goodnight.” Eleanor said.

“AMEN.” Harry said, clapping his hands together once. “Thank you, Caldero, thank you, Tommo. Ok, I’ll have a cookie now.”

“Wait, I didn’t close my eyes let’s do it again,” Zayn said.

“No, now shut up...” Louis said. He got a sexy cookie. “... And eat this cookie.”

“Oh yesssssss,” Zayn said. He took a cookie from Louis’ hand. He was about to take a bite out of it and then he saw Liam outside and he took another cookie and went outside to stand next to Liam.

the sliding door made a sliding noise when Zayn opened it.

sleeeeeeepfr

Liam turned around. He was smokin another cigarette.

“I have a cookie for you bebz,” Zayn said gently.

Liam leaned his back against the balcony rail and looked at Zayn Javaad.

Zayn handed Liam the cookie.

Liam looked at it. Zayn raised his thick asss eyebrows and pursed his lips.

Liam took the cookie in his free hand. He took a tiny bite. Liam was silent at first and then he had a mini fat boy orgasm on his taste buds.

“oh, yum.” Liam moaned.

Zayn ate his cookie and tears started streaming down his face. fuckin hell.

El gon’ get some good fuckin fo making dese, he thought.

“Ya know,” Zayn said after recovering from some good ass cookie. “The only reason people read these is for the gayness in the tags.”

“What are you insinuating?” Liam asked, flicking the ash from his cigarette over the balcony and taking a long drag.

Zayn looked at Liam. Liam looked at Zayn. Liam’s eyebrows were all annoyed/curious but Zayn wasn’t discouraged.

Zayn leaned his hip against the rail and turned towards Liam. Liam was so adorable and he looked tired and his cute red lips were all red and there was chocolate from the cookie in the corner of his mouth.

“You have a little something there on your mouth thing.” Zayn said.

“No, leave me alone, this isn’t some stupid movie.” Liam said. He wiped his mouth.

“Oh gee,” Zayn said.

They were quiet for a minute.

“D’ya want a fag?” Liam asked.

“Sure thanks,” Zayn said.

Liam gave him one and Lit it. Zayn looked at how cute Liam’s intentional face was when he lit the cigarette and shielded the flame from the elements with a cupped hand.

“Thnks,” Zayn said with the cigarette between his lips.

“Sometimes I feel sad for no fucking reason.” Liam said.

Zayn exhaled and a cloud of white smoke tumbled out of his mouth. “Yea I know.”

“No you don’t,” Liam said.

“Ok,” Zayn said.

Liam’s cigarette was a tiny little fucker now, so he dropped it into the ashtray beside his foot.

“It’s okay to be sad for no reason, bro.” Zayn said.

“No it’s not. It hurts and it’s weird.” Liam said. “I want to smile and sing bubblegum pop and make teenage girls happy and give them a reason to not feel the way I do.”

“Ah, Lord, Liam you’re making my heart ache.” Zayn said, clutching his chest.

“Shuddup,” Liam said. THere was A HINT OF A SMILE OHMAIGAWD LIEM.

“Come on,” Zayn was holding in his last drag of cigarette and it made his nose sound all stuffy. He blew the smoke out in a straight line directly past Liam’s face. “Just try something with me really quick, ok?”

“Why are you such a whore, you have a lady to do something with you really quick.” Liam said.

“Well she ain’t here. I bet she does something really quick with her band mates too.” Zayn said with a smirk.

“Oh, so you guys are in an open relationship now?” Liam asked incredulously.

“No, bitch, just kiss me I’m in the mood.” Zayn said.

Liam kissed Zayn really fast on the cheek with such force that Zayn’s small ass head moved to the side a bit.

“Mmm, yes,” Zayn teased.

“My god, Zayn,” Liam said with a smile. He sounded back to his old self.

They both laughed.

*applause*

 

Inside, they ate like a lot of cookies and Niall, Harry, Louis, and Eleanor were feeling fat as hell. Eleanor had already expressed that she needed to take a shit and Harry was completely zoned out.

“Is this what marijuana does, because I feel tired as hell.” Harry said. His eyelids were heavy.

“Sleep on me babe,” Niall said in a weird baby voice.

Harry laughed and rested his head on Niall’s lap. He was just a pile of dark brown hair.

“Let’s play spin the bottle!!!!” Eleanor said, pulling a water bottle from under her bed.

“get the fuck out,” Niall said, pointing to the door.

“I HAVE THE KEY TO THIS ROOM, NIALL JAMES.” Eleanor said.

“Yea, I’m never letting you near tree ever again,” Louis mused.

Eleanor made a pouty face at Louis. “Oh, don’t say that.”  
“Stop, oh my god, don’t do this to me here, Eleanor.” Louis said. His penis blushed again.

“Come on,” Eleanor said. She spun the bottle on the ground and it landed on Harry’s knee.

“Oh, I get to kiss Harry, okay,” Eleanor said. If she had a penis it would have been blushing, but her actual face was.

Louis wasn’t sure how to feel.

Harry sat up and looked at Eleanor and he shrugged. “Ok, das how you play da game.”

“No, we’re playing using my rules,” Louis said quickly. He scooted between Eleanor and Harry and kissed Eleanor on the lips.

“Oh damn, it wasn’t your turn, mr. boyfriend.” Eleanor said. “Wow, I’m never saying that again.”

“I wasn’t gonna kiss her anyway, Louis.” Harry said.

“No, I don’t give a fuck, I’m not in my feelings or anything.” Louis said.

“Yes you are, you’re always in your feelings more than anyone else,” Niall said.

Louis turned red. “Stahp,”

“Aw, Lou,” Harry crooned.

“Aw, Lou,” Eleanor echoed. She looked Louis straight into Louis’ blue dark blue eyes.

“Ah jesis,” Niall muttered, taking out his phone. He took a picture of his friend in the room and tweeted: I love my friends @Louis_Tomlinson @EleanorJCalder @Harry_Styles

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just ended this because like I don't know how else to end it so I did and plus I have a lot of homework and it was already like 5 days since I posted the last chapter whatever ugh life.


	3. the third one

The boys were in London.

The cookies were gone.

An interview promoting their new album was the matter at hand.

Chapter three has begun.

They all sat on a nice purple couch: Liam, Harry, Zayn, Louis, Nelson. and Niall.

There was no Nelson.

There was however, a Patricia. She was the interviewer.

“That’s my mum’s name,” Zayn said.

“Oh cool,” Patricia said. “Call me Pat.”

“That’s hideous,” Zayn said.

Patricia > Pat

no offense to anyone named Pat. This has been a public service announcement.

Pat was pretty. She was like a little bear cub with white hair. She had fake white hair though, obvi. Because she was like, what, 25?

There were cameras in front and all around like usual. The interview had started off awkwardly because of Louis and Harry bein dumb as fuck.

They all walked in and “hi everyone,” went harry.

and louis was like hi, and he started to take his coat off bc winter and his ciggy packet fell out of his jacket and the box was open and cigarettes rolled around and this camera man picked them up for him. ugh. this one dude was recording it all.

and then Louis picked it up and Harry made his furrow brow face and then he opened his pretty mouth and said: “we’re actually adults. even though we sing for little girls. according to everyone except us.”

awkward sarcastic ass…

Then Liam was like GRRR but he didn’t say it he just thought it.

anyway they all sat down and all that jazz.

so yea: INTERVIEW TIME.

They sat on the couch. for some reason seating in interviews is important to one direction’s amazing ! fans. There were two couches and Harry and Louis sat on one and then on the other one Niall, Zayn in the middle and then Liam. mm just the way I like it. Zayn in the middle. mm. Zayn isn’t in the middle enough.

“So this new album of yours, called **** *** ******* ***. Tell us what it’s all about, Liam.” Pat the pretty bear cub said.

Liam sat up. “Well, ya know, it’s our fourth album. ok. Lemme start from the beginnin. it all started when we were eating mcdonalds. Niall was like damn I ordered number 4 and I got number 3 FUCK. and then… wait can I say that?”

“No,”

“Ok, anyway: ‘FUCK’ Niall said, and then Louis was like these chicken nuggets are full of lies just like the paps and we started ranting and Zayn was quiet the whole time..” Liam continued.

Zayn interrupted like a little poop. “Yea, but then I talked.”

Patty made a face.

“Yea, but then I spoke,” Zayn said. “Actually, I rapped.”

“Yes, and it is in fact the best rap I have ever heard.” Liam said.

“Boys, I think you digressed…” Pat Pat said.

Louis cleared his throat. “Please, repeat the question?"

Patty Pat looked all flushed and cute. She looked at her interview paper cards. “umm, erm.. To restate the question: Tell us what **** *** ******* *** is all about?”

“Oh, right.” Louis said. “Harry, would you like to… Answer this one?”

Louis looked at Harry knowingly.

 

~ somewhere behind a computer in a few days someone will go on their computer and watch this interview and see Louis look at Harry for .5 seconds and they will comment and their comment will be this, exactly: _LARRY IS REAL if u dont believe Open You’re Eyes !_  Below another someone will have commented: _the 5 dislikes are fans of The Wanted !_ ) ~

 

Harry sat up and got his little mischievous interview smile on. “Well, to put it simply, our new album is about the good things in life. we had a big part in like, the writing and like style of this album. Instead of writing 9 songs we wrote, like, 10. _Collaborativel_ y with Julian and others…”

 “Louis,” Bear Cub said. “Explain, what are these ‘good things in life’ that are discussed on **** *** ******* ***?”

 “sex, drank, drugs, n chicken nuggets.” Louis said.

 “wut?” Patty Pussy said.

“Hmm?” Lou said. 

“wut?” Puss

“u didn’t hear all that I just sed?????????” Lou

Niall: “um, Patricia, um…” He held out his fingers and hid one with each word. “um, sex, drank, drugs, n chicken nuggets.”

Patricia laughed after looking really uncomfortable.

Zayn Javaad did this weird gaspy laugh that was like oh shit I almost passed out but yea this is goin well let’s laugh.

“We’re serious, though, Patties,” Louis said. He was the only bitch that didn’t laugh.

 _da hell_ ? Pat thought.

“So um, hey, one direction, um, what were your musical influences on this album?” Pat asked.

“OH, gee we never get dat one, babe.” Liam said.

Liam just throws that word around like it’s nothin. That word comes with commitment.

Harry spoke: “Um. Beethoven, yea. Um.. the Beastie Boys, Lana Del Rey, Cage the Elephant,  M.I.A… what else?”

Zayn: “Little Mix, Frank Ocean…”

“Nah, stfu Zayn.”

“k, sorry Tommo.”

“Joan Baez, um, da Little Mermaid.” Niall said.

“Oh yeh,” Harry said. “nd… um.. what the hell: Queen.”

“Harry! You forgot our biggest influence.” Louis said. He looked right at Harry.

“Who did I forget, Princess?” Harry asked.

clickity clack let’s rap let’s rap

“You. Forgot… Kings of Leon!”

ah hell.

“Yer damn rite, Lewis.” Liam said with a confirming nod.

“What.. Exactly.. Is the genre on this album boys? Describe it for meh?” PatDatPat asked.

“I’d have to say kind of a neo-soul, psychedelic, post rock… kind of thing.” Zayn said.

“Hm,” Patricia looked at the camera.

The camera guys were trying to keep their shit in.

“Well, the interview is about to end, but there’s one thing we still haven’t done. A performance.” Pat looked at the Cam. “A performance of One Direction’s newest single from their newest album. The single came out last week and was leaked on the interweb fifteen years before… I’m sorry that’s fifteen DAYs before… it’s release.. ok. well, then, let’s hear the new single titled: _I Hate Fridays_.”

The cameras stopped.

“Ok, let’s go to the other place,” said this old Indian man named Charles.

He walked from out of nowhere. The Direction followed Charles into a room next to the other where there were some chairs and big lights and cameras and a box of musical instruments.

“Ok, we got the instruments you requested. They’re all in this box. We’ll get it out of your way before we start recording. Oh, and btdubs, the recording thing happens in……….. 10 minutes. so yea, warm up and shit. oops. warm up and stuff. ok? ok.”

CHARLES OUT.

One Direction were alone in a room with instruments in a box. Fab.

“There is so much I wanted to say in that short as hell interview,” Louis said.

“You said enough, Tommo.”  Liam said with this irritated face.

“We’re filming more interview after the song,” Zayn said.

“Oh yes.” Harry said.

Niall went straight for the shiny brown acoustic guitar lying next to one of the chairs. “Oh bby,”

he started plucking some things out. “shit, this little foxy mama ain’t tuned…”

“foxy mama,” Harry Styles echoed.

“ok guys, we should warm up…” Liam said

Zayn started coughing violently. It sounded so gross and ouch. When he stopped coughing his face was all red. aww baby darling.

“My voice is so shit right now,” Zayn said, still weak from the cough.

“Your voice is always shit,” Louis said.

Zayn did this weird monkey leap at Louis and tried to smack him but Louis karate chopped his little hand. They were cute as hell.

Niall started laughing. “Louis, everything you do is funny.”

“Tanks,” Louis said in a fake Irish accent.

“dats completely racist,” Niall said.

“Ok, we should get the instruments.” Liam said. “Niall, guitar, check. Liam, xylophone, check. Harry, bongos, check. Zayn, maraca, check. Louis, baby keyboard, check. ok we’re good to go, guys!!!”

Louis reached for his baby keyboard. “I didn’t need you to ‘louis, check’ me.”

“But I did.” Liam said.

Louis made a pouty face.

Liam was in a bad mood because he needed some copulation.

Charles came back in a few minutes later with camera peoples and they got behind the cameras and turned shit on and lights and stuff and colors everywhere. 

The band people sat in the chairs with their instruments. 

“One Direction as we have never seen them before… With the instrumental experience of an Elementary school music class…” said one of the camera mans.

“Gtfo,” Niall said, and started plucking out some cool thing on his guitar. 

“ok, you guys ready?” Charles eventually asked. 

oh yeh. charles was the director I guess you could say. 

“yea sureeee.” Louis said, cutting his small eyes. 

“aaaaaaandndddddd……….action..”

Niall started playing the guitar intro. It was cool. cooler than this. a song you cannot year. you can read it. you can’t hear it.

Zayn: _please get me some cereal, it’s saturday morning. glad yesterday is over, yesterday is over._  

Harry: _yesterday was friday,_

_here’s the thing about that though,_

_I really hate Fridays,_

_Always have_

_Everyone full of the same o’l crap_

_Is it too much to ask for something great…?_

_That isn’t crap,_

_A Saturday, a Monday even_

_Just not a Friday those are lame_

 

 _“C_ UUUUTTTTTTT.” Charles said.

Zayn took note of Charles’ beautiful 1970’s style mustache. 

“this is a performance, not a music video,” Louis snapped. 

Charles ignored him. “what are ya’ll doing, sing.” 

“This is apart of the rap, jessusss did you even listen to our single??” Louis retorted. 

“Buy it on iTunes for 1.29, man it’s currently number one in…” Niall started.

“OK. ok let’s just start this again.... from where we cut... action.”

 

*guitar*

 

Liam: _in ‘96 I lost my turtle,_

_really was a huge hurdle_

_for me,_

_for you for all of us in that house_

_Oli was my friend_

_number one, until his end_

_that shit happened on a friday_

 

Louis: _Goddamn I hate Netflix_

_I was watchin Pocahontas_

_wonderin if she liked havin John Smith on er_

_‘probably felt good’_

_oh Lord I have a problem_

_gotta cancel my subscription_

 

Zayn: *really long run*

 

All: _I got some issues that nobody can see_

_when I’m sad I spit this ish like Cudi_

_Fridays put me in a twist_

_Didn’t even get a new year’s kiss_

_you could say my life sucks_

_but I got this album with my mates_

_and it’s greeeeaaaat_

_on FRIDAY_

_FRIDAY_

_everything happened one friday_

_and that’s why we hate that damn day_

_I gotta say_

_nothing comes good from it anyway_

 

Niall: *guitar*

 

Zayn: _Like my weetabix, like I like my women_

_all wheat brown and she floatin in the white_

_knew I shouldn’t have said dat_

_my woman would beat dat_

_ass if she ONLY KNEW_

 

Niall: _as if she only knew_

_how much I been wantin you_

 

“what?” Zayn asked.

Niall ignored him.

All five began to play their instruments simultaneously.

 

_clank clank CLANK CLANk clank clANK_

 

“STOOP.” Charles said. “I simply _cannot_ listen to any more of this.”

everything stopped under the command of Charles the Omnipotent.

“I DIDN’T GET TO DO MY OTHER SOLO!!!” Niall cried.

“ _So_ glad you liked it,” Louis said with a huge smile on his gorgeous face. 

Louis stood up and put his baby keyboard down. 

“Great singing for you all. Harry, good job with that tambourine.” Louis said. He gave Harry a kiss on the cheek and clapped him on the back. a strange combination.

“thanks,” Harry said quietly in a raspy voice. wait his voice is always raspy.

One Direction got up to do the other interview. Once it all got started Pat resumed.  
  
“So, what.. um what inspired that song? Well, first of all who did the lyrics?” 

“We all did.” Niall said. “Just us. we wrote the music too.”

“You don’t say. well, you heard it here first guise ! so, what inspired you?”

“… how you feel about certain people. Like you might be harboring certain spicy love feelings for certain spicy people.” Niall said. His penis was blushin hard. 

“How about you, Harry?”

“well, I was inspired by just   like, knowing how much I hate Fridays.” Harry said.

“But do you? Do you hate Fridays?”

“Yea, basically. Haven’t you heard our stories?” Harry asked with a smirk.

“Yea especially Niall’s… tragic. Unfortunately you couldn’t hear it because Charles Bhandari  said cut and cut means cut.” Louis said with a fake sigh.

After the interview they got in the car and drove into the McDonald’s thang because McDonald’s was what started the whole album. Their meal was a celebration of the beginning of **** *** ******* ***.

“Got my number 4. Finally.” Niall whispered.

 

And that was the end. 

 

Just kidding ssh.

Something else happened that night before it ended. 

 

Zayn was havin a smoke outside behind the hotel and Niall just wandered out.

“Cigarette?” Zayn offered.

“No thanks,” Niall said. “I don’t really partake unless it’s marijuana.”

“Why, crazy nig?” Zayn asked with a chuckle. Smoke billowed out of his mouth with every short, chuckling breath.

Ew that sounds weird.

“Wanna talk about that song?” Niall asked. “I adlibbed,”

“Yea,” Zayn said.

“Yea.” Niall said.

“I’m not a whore, you know.” Zayn said.

“Yea, I know.” Niall said.

“I tried to whore up Liam and I was thinkin of whorin up Eleanor and Charles Bhandari too.” Zayn said.

“Not Patty?” Niall asked.

“Meh,”

“I’m shocked. Patty was cute.”

“So is Perrie Edwards. Perrie Malik. Ooh.” Zayn mumbled.

“That’s your problem.” Niall said. “Do you love Perrie or whoring more?”

Zayn blushed hard. It was like this weird violet color.

“I’m not A FUCKN WHORE.”

Niall knit his cute bushy eyebrows together. “I’m sorry, Zayn.”

Zayn shook his head and inhaled from his cigarette really slowly.

Niall stood kinda close to Zayn and put his hands in his pocket cos it was cold. “Kinda wish you shared your nuggets with me today,” He said earnestly.

“Yea? Well not everyone can handle nuggets. I know you can’t. It was for your own good.” Zayn grumbled.

Niall leaned forward and kissed Zayn on his cold cheek. Stubble tickled Niall’s lips. 

“You wanna whore me now, huh?” Zayn asked.

“Do you want me to?” Niall asked. 

"Go for it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea so this is a plotless story. I'm probably not going to write more unless someone requests, which I doubt will happen. Peace n' bacon grease.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully you don't think I'm an idiot, but if you do read my other fan fic. Actually, don't read it, you probably won't like it, especially if you started reading this one in hopes of encountering lots of gayness.
> 
> Anyway, I'm writing more of this. It's fun and I can be lazy when I write it. Happy new year... I guess.


End file.
